Farewell...For Now

This blog is now waiting at the crossroads and the previous post is an upbeat moment to pause while I decide which direction to take.

I hope you have enjoyed what you have read so far - I will be back.

Signed,

Your Friendly Neighbourhood Feminist                                   Man

Show Me That River

The world has plenty of 'reasonable' men. It has plenty of 'good' men. It has plenty of 'considerate' men. And the world has quite a number of 'self-conscious feminist' men.

But in contrast I'm arguing that we need more 'conscious feminist' men. I used to be absurdly self conscious about my feminism, as if feminism was a yardstick to be measured against, a definition of right and wrong. That attitude was superficial, and tokenistic, much like going to church without truly understanding or living out the messages.

Conscious feminism is reflective, embedded in accumulated experience and responsive to different circumstances. It is not an ideology, but a set of principles and values. I hope that some of those values and principles are becoming clear through this blog.

Conscious feminism takes time, and is a constant learning process. It is intimately connected to the absolute value of being good to each other - regardless of gender - and yet is something more. 'Consciousness' intimates that it is an ever-present awareness of the feminine in myself and the responsibilities that awareness places on me. And joys too. To be a conscious feminist is, for me, personally life-enriching. It is a constant, creative revelation of my own sense of self.

If this sounds rather smug, I apologise - some of this is rhetorical flourish. But it is rhetoric based on authentic experience.

It's clear that this blog is taking on a life of it's own. I have no idea where it will go next, so join me for more unplanned accidents in a couple of days.

Dismantling Shadows

It may be clear from previous posts that I refuse to break out into adversarial gender-baiting or indeed, stereotyping of any kind.

My main purpose in these posts is in some small way to alter the terms of reference, a disruptive shift - as Oren Harari said, 'the light bulb was not invented from the continuous improvement of the candle.' 

Yes, we need justice, and we need material change. But a qualitative difference in human relationships is what I'm truly hoping for as a feminist man. And one of the keys in achieving this is for men to become more comfortable with their own feminine. This doesn't mean a diminution of their masculine sense of self, but rather, an acknowledgement that the feminine is valuable as a source of life and meaning within themselves.

If men can learn to do this, not only will they become more secure in their own identity, they will also be less likely to project a negative framing  of their own feminine onto women. That in turn will enable men to see women through a less psychologicaly warped filter, and do much to dismantle patriarchy from within.

I hesitate to say more on this because I'm in no way a trained psychologist. And a random brief blog post is way too limited to deal with complex questions that have an individual as well as a gender basis.

That's it for today. I would love to be able to say...'next, I'll reveal just how we get to this promised land!'

That would be lovely but also unlikely. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Pornography

Pornography and feminism are uneasy bedfellows, but bedfellows they are. Yes, porn often replicates and exaggerates power relationships between men and women. Yes, porn often exploits female participants who perhaps have troubled personal histories. Yes, porn encourages objectification of women.

And yet. And yet...

Porn across all it's varied forms - at least in theory - acknowledges and enables the expression of female sexuality. It may not always see female sexual desire as a priority to be met, but neither does it cover women up and deny their existence as sexual beings.

An individual experience of pornography is just that, individual. Many women enjoy porn in whatever form it takes, and in some cases have more 'extreme' tastes than many men. Do we judge those tastes as being somehow illegitimate because they belong to a woman? If so we are setting a standard that will eventually deny women their sexuality. Beware the first principles of any puritanical mindset, even if it is dressed in liberal clothes.

Yes, pornography is problematic. Yes pornography is edgy for feminists. But pornography is also part of human expression, part of what makes us what we are.

Freedom in a Minor Key

For those keeping score, the correct photo ID was BBC Television Centre. And you thought it was David Bowie ;)

Thank you for playing along.

And the question of the day is...ta da! Why do women give away their power  -otherwise known as - why do they so often act against their own best interests?

The narrow gate for a man in this - if I were to say to any woman 'for God's sake pull your socks up' I am at best, a jerk, and at worst, I'm accepting the voice of the abuser that says 'you let me do it, it's your fault.'

But seeking to understand this process and what might lead to it is quite legitimate. So, while there is a complex cultural overlay here, I'm interested to ask, what are the psychological processes at work?

Before I give one possible answer, it's worth sharing a further pitfall for any man reflecting on this. And that is, the risk of putting women on a pedestal leading to harsh judgement should they not live up to an abstract gender-based standard. As a young man I fell into this trap, somehow feeling disappointed when I saw what I considered a feminine accommodation of disrespectful or bullying behaviour by men.

Through life's lessons I no longer feel this way. As in many things, I now see this as a human problem, albeit one with a strong gender dimension. This human problem is what Erich Fromm calls the fear of freedom. That is, the willingness of an individual to give their power away to an external authority.

Why ever would they do that? The answer is multi-faceted but in essence, freedom is painful. It entails responsibility, and humanity finds responsibility difficult. Patriarchal systems play on this, creating a dependency that manifests itself in different ways across gender lines. In men, it tends to promote conformity and acceptance of hierarchy as an absolute value. In women, it encourages acceptance of masculine authority, both in the domestic sphere and social level.

Throughost most of human history, and in most places, women have lived within narrow boundaries imposed by this patriarchal way of living and thinking. Their experiences have been devalued, and their efforts to carve out spaces of personal power and authority have been subversive acts.

Since the 18th Century Enlightenment, women have been extending the range of experiences and self-expression available to them. But patriarchy has deep roots and big hands, with much buried in profound human needs that need to be acknowledged before we can resume moving forward.

Whether or not the recent swing towards all things authoritarian is indicative of anything more than a nostalgic yearning for the certainties of patriarchy will be clearer in retrospect. But women will certainly come off worse should the trend continue. And that should make us all pause. Because to learn the lessons of freedom and then wilfully ignore them is negligence of the first order.

Tune in tomorrow for some pornography.

Taking a Short Break - Back Monday 12th December. Can you ID this photo?

Due to other commitments I'm taking a short break from this blog.

Back Monday 12th December with something absolutely riveting you can be sure :)

In the meantime bonus hugs if you can ID the post picture above.

Giving With Empty Hands

I guess the question 'why is feminism important' is secondary to the question 'what is feminism?'

So, here, in a change to the advertised programme, is my answer.

I am only going to offer a very personal definition because there are as many 'feminisms' as there are feminists. And in addition there are many more people who attempt to label feminism with attributes it may or may not possess in reality.

So, my personal feminism comes down to two things.

First, a worldview that sees patriarchal societies and systems with their hierarchies, assumptions and cultures as inimical to the wellbeing of women in particular, and the best interests of humanity in general.

And second, my feminism manifests as a quest to empathise and understand women, especially their circumstances and decisions.

On the latter point - it does not mean that women are free from criticism, or that they can do no wrong. This would be to misunderstand how it works. However, I do believe a little rebalancing is needed in this world - many women already seek to understand - and further - accommodate the priorities of men into their own lives. My take on feminism asks the same in reverse of men. No more, no less.

It wouldn't make for a perfect world, but it is just. And just maybe, in doing this, men would discover how to live life in a deeper, more meaningful way.

Breathe. Live. Repeat.

In writing this blog I've consciously avoided emotive causes and campaigns. This is for two reasons.

First, a political outworking of what I am sharing here feels secondary to the task at hand, which is to distil a worldview that places greater value on people than on ideology.

And second, I'm more comfortable with the part of the process that says 'this is where I stand and why' than I am with the part that says 'now let me tell you why I am right and you are wrong.' 

The language of patriarchy tends to play that very same zero-sum game - 'if you win, I lose. Therefore I must win before you defeat me. And not only that, if I force you to fight and compete with me then I have won anyway because I have forced you to accept the language of violence.'

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Now let's move on.

So, following yesterday's post my second foundational ethical principle is where I get a teensy-weensy bit theological with your collective asses. And that is to share my view that we all - by virtue of our humanity - contain and reflect something of God. Bear with me here, because starting from this place has profound implications for the way we treat each other. 

If all men and women share two characteristics above all - our humanity and our essence in God - then the biological and cultural gender differences that can be debated forever are subordinate at a fundamental level.

In considering gender in this way I seek to avoid prescriptive labels for both men and women - while still understanding that differences can exist for any number of reasons. Some of those reasons will be explored here in the coming days and weeks.

To conclude for today, I appreciate that the last two posts have been rather esoteric so tomorrow I will change gears and discuss why feminism is indispensable if we want progress for both women and men.

Responsibility and How To Survive It

It's time to explore the first of  several principles for living.

Since punk broke in my life a guiding ethical challenge has been 'what does personal responsibility look like?'

The answer is not as straightforward as it might appear. For instance, a recurring misstep in my life has been to assume the responsibilities of others as my own. It has been easy to convince myself that doing this is in some way a grand ethical gesture, but it is actually horribly egotistical.

The choices of others belong to them and my choices belong to me. To say otherwise risks undermining the right of somebody else to take a particular course of action. A choice for which they take their own responsibility.

To steer this principle into feminist waters, it is absolutely the coward's way out for a man to say 'she led me on, it was her fault' or 'she dressed like xyz, she was asking for it.' Utter, craven cowardice. Blaming is the brightest red flag of all, a signal that we are dealing here with a boy, not a man. Compromise with this special kind of nonsense is not possible. Leave it in the dust where it belongs.

But give blaming a veneer of legitimacy and it's amazing how resilient it can be. Variously, religion, law, learning and custom have all played their part in reinforcing it's power. And as ever in regard to ethics, there are other viewpoints that legitimately challenge cosy liberal homilies. But I am secure in my belief that, as a man, I am responsible for my mind, my body and my tongue. To say otherwise is to undermine my status as a man. And to the eagle-eyed reader, it is clear that in exercising my feminism I am also reafirming my masculinity - or at least a version of masculinity that I am comfortable with.

This particular post isn't the place to discuss ethical decisions in and of themselves. The argument here is actually bigger that 'we must do xyz' in a given situation - it is what we do next with the choices we make. And ever since Adam blamed Eve (OK, fair enough, Eve then blamed the serpent which didn't have a leg to stand on) men have pointed the finger away from themselves. And that is not a pretty sight.

Thanks for reading. I will return tomorrow with more spontaneous musings on life and the quest to live it with a little dignity.

From the Hilltop of Experience

Drawing a general conclusion from a specific case is unreliable at best. However, based on experience and reflection I now believe that the positive thinking/visualisation tenet of 'say or believe something enough and it will become true' is fundamentally, bunk.

I met my first girlfriend believing I would forever live up to the ideals I instinctively projected onto myself. These ideals included possession of sound ethical judgement. And consistency of purpose. And the ability to love. Very important that last one.

All good so far. And clearly good enough to attract one particular young woman. Within a few days of starting University we were together, and stayed together for over four years.  Precisely how to write about this relationship, and how it fits into a 'feminist' life in progress is the tricky bit. 

My fundamental message is that all the words and beliefs in the world make no odds if the underlying psychological reality is unhealthy. That psychological reality can be personal or it can be shared. In the case of this relationship, I would attend the University Women's Group (as the only man present) and then return home, still unable to communicate my feelings to my girlfriend. As a result I would retreat physically away from her and continue the negative spiral. 

I wouldn't call this hypocrisy (although to some it may have appeared that way) but rather, a lack of experience and self-awareness that couldn't easily be overcome by reading 'The Second Sex.'

I don't wish overplay the sense of tragedy, or the idea I did anything like beat my girlfriend or cheat on her. I did not. The process was more like a gradual dimming of optimism and hope, the strangling of anything positive in our lives together.

Some perspective is also helpful here. To me a credible feminism means acknowledging that responsibility should be shared if the truth of the situation dictates. In retrospect I understand that I took the lazy and egocentric way out by sinking into a degree of self-hatred when I realised the relationship was not going well. Which of course escalated the problems within the relationship and therefore my self-hatred. Etc.  Etc. Etc.

In summary and from the vantage point of many years later, I can see three things pertinent here to a feminist life. 

The first is that positive intentions and the desire to 'do good' can cause a lot of pain without a con-committant honesty and ability to make decisions. In this case I (and we) let the relationship live beyond it's natural life for a complex set of reasons. One of which, in my case, being the desire not to hurt my girlfriend. However, I was actually hurting her more by letting the relationship drag on and on.

Second, and related, is that liberal guilt is corrosive and out of it's appropriate context, destructive. The reasons for liberal guilt are outside the scope of this post but may be revisited in more detail sometime.

My final conclusion is that a liberal instinct to do good, and be good, doesn't change the underlying psychology and projections extant in any relationship.  True self-awareness takes time, and comes only after much reflection and experience. A further outcome arising from this process of learning is the discernment to see where 'I' end and the other person begins. An awareness of the individuality intrinsic to every person gives us a chance to overcome the projections that screw with our most intimate relationships.

This post is longer than usual, and possibly one of the more difficult passages I will write here. But I hope it has been useful to unpack is difficult subject matter in this, the last of my 'introductory' posts. 

During the next week or so I'll start exploring specific subjects, perhaps at random, but consistently addressing the fundamental concern of this blog. Which is to relate the pleasures, pitfalls and perspectives of a male feminist.

In the Service of Regret

Sex and relationships. This is where things get tricky. Anyone can say the words, assume any attitude. But how do they treat other people? And, just as importantly, how do they treat the people they care about?

All of us fuck up in this area sometime, to a greater or lesser degree. And there are different ways of fucking it up - for instance, a man can fuck it up in ways distinct from the ways a woman might.

This is a big subject, and one I'm wary of wandering into without care. But it is at the heart of the responsibilities one person has to another, so it cannot be avoided if we want to explore what it might mean to be a feminist man. However, to coin a cliche, we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And on that road we are unavoidably driven by our own personal psychology and experiences.

As a young man I had a crystal clear idea of who and what I wanted to be as a person. And, surprise, some days I would actually get there through an easy fusion of youthful discovery and an innate mystical sense. My personal sense of identity and meaning reached places that my emotional maturity could not hope to match.

And the one thing that helps build and sustain intimate relationships? Why, emotional maturity of course. A few are blessed with emotional maturity from a young age, but most of us only achieve it through hard-earned experience. Even if then.

So for this particular 18 year old, embarking on his first relationship - rhetoric, meet reality. Reality - shake rhetoric by the neck why don't you.

I'll pause there for today, with further detail and exploration of these foundational personal experiences yet to come. The next post will be challenging to write, as I decide what to share, what to withold, and what will inform key themes in the weeks and (hopefully) months to come. Thanks for reading.

God Joins the Party. Reluctantly.

A different kind of post tonight, and on the surface, something of a diversion.

And that is to bring God into the discussion.

Hey God, come over here, sit down. No need to dress up it's only us.

Now God, I've heard a rumour that you, the highest of the heavenly host, the ground of being, the spirit in all things, are actually a patriarchal God. Can you confirm or deny this?

"I am."

You are what, a masculine God?

"I am all there ever has been, all there is, and all there ever shall be."

Yes, but, stay with me here. Do you wear well-ironed trousers like a good Englishman?

"I am the truth, and the life. I am both the light that shines in the darkness and the darkness itself."

So you're not a masculine God then?

"Oh my Self, of course I'm not a bloody masculine God. Jeez, I've had enough of this idolatry nonsense. If I wasn't so righteous I would disappear in a puff of righteousness."

Isn't that something of a paradox?

"Paradoxes are what I do. Deal with it."

Okey dokey, God. I'll settle for calling you a masculine symbol. Actually, it's a good trade-off for you - symbols are all the rage right now. People take them ever so seriously.

"Sigh. Whatever. I'll still be here should you come looking. Wait, stop, by 'here' I didn't mean you should start building a temple on this spot, right now. Put down that shovel....oh I'll get my coat."

                               ----------

Yes, I had a religious experience when I was 17. Yes, I knew a subversive God who didn't engage in the games we humans play out of pride, ignorance and greed. But to be clear, this is not a religious blog.

It is a blog born of the Enlightenment, taught by experience and merely nurtured with a dash of spiritual milk every now and again.

Tune in tomorrow for more of that old time feminist stridency.

Punk, Penis Envy and Playfulness

Punk was the clearest articulation of my teenage feelings. Don't fit in? Good, create your own independent life, away from the straight world. Won't settle for the role allocated to you? Good, stand up for what you want to be.

Punk was and is all about the moment. The momentary rush of energy, of realisation, of identity. And whatever cultural boundaries and barriers punk itself reinstituted, the tautology remains that the boundaries created by punk are not, by definition, punk.

I came to punk as part of the third wave - post both the '76 launchpad, and also the early 80s purification-by-hardcore. The third wave was a sheer eruption of speed and aggression that paradoxically united my masculine identity with the freedom to feel life as it is, an essentially feminine expression of the richness and joy in creation. 

Psychology and spirituality aside for a moment, I was aware of the paradox of seeing this aggressive music and atmosphere as liberating. And I luxuriated in that same paradox. Perhaps it was the freshness of youth, the excitement of personal discovery. But it was an authentic integation of opposites, one that often seems clearest in the young.

And then there was Crass. Specifically their album of feminist revelation, 'Penis Envy'. Wow. Everything coalesced for me with this record. Patriarchy exposed. The defiance. The wit and wordplay. The expression of personal truth. It was a brave record, especially in the context of the times - street punk, skinheads, violence. But Crass were militant hippy and punk in equal measure, and to cap that, curiously anti-ideology. That deeply humanist trait appealed hugely, and was as important to me as their feminism and politics.

Crass split in 1984, a couple of years before I knew they even existed. But the echoes of their message resonated loudly, as did the straight edge aggression of Minor Threat and dozens of other bands - for the most part, skinny white boys with guitars. But that was just the beginning - the ever branching tree of music and ideas was still growing. And 'Penis Envy' was not the end of the journey, but the beginning. A journey towards a more nuanced idea and expression of femimism.

This was a feminism shaped more by the reality of the adult world and real-life relationships than by music, art and polemics. A feminism that resists every attempt to put it away safely. A feminism that is about life and respect. 

Early FeminIst Identification-A-Go-Go

I grew up surrounded by women - sisters, aunts and cousins. I also saw a lot more of my mother than my father, who frequently worked six days a week and many evenings.

However, at the same time, I was also cautious and shy around girls all the way through school. As a reasonably thoughtful and sensitive boy/young man I lacked the bravado to approach or talk to girls, yet still somehow identified with their social networks and - most importantly - the times when I  felt they were hard done by or verbally attacked by boys. God, I hated that.

It struck me as unjust, and still does. Words matter, and so do the attitudes that justify them. In these personal pre-punk-years my feelings of anger first surfaced through what I saw as the harassment of young women. However inarticately, I felt strongly that a verbal attack on a girl was an attack on me.

At the time I didn't have the tools to truly understand what was going on, but these visceral, instinctive feelings have lasted for over 30 years and are still my teacher and guide today. Of course, visceral feelings alone won't take a young man far, I still had a lot to learn. And as a shy boy with an instinctive empathy and attraction to women there were several barriers and missteps to come. But as I type this - at 46 years old - I know I was right. The abuse and pressure placed on women throughout society and throughout history is still under-acknowledged and belittled as a subject worthy of attention. And that is not only wrong but twists all of humanity out of shape.

There are many angles on this subject, from justice to sexuality, from psychology to ecology, from spirituality to economics. But I wish to initially focus on personal ethics and behaviour. To that end, I will continue relating my personal journey to share some of the complexities intrinsic in the journey of the male feminist.

In due course, and with the scene set, I will move onto broader questions of masculine feminist identity - what it might look like, how it might work in practice, and how we can encourage it to flourish. But that is a few daily posts away.

If you have read this and feel motivated to comment please do. It would be lovely (and unexpected) to see a small community grow out of these daily missives. Bye for now.

Introductions, Introductions...

Hi. Yes I am a man, a feminist, and an occasional writer.

What could be better than to combine all three identities in this one blog. Over the coming days and months I hope to:

- explore what feminism means to me
- what has shaped that self-identification
- why it matters
- the "narrow gate" for any man calling himself a feminist
- such topics as psychology, art and culture as they naturally arise

A couple of further pointers.

First, I aim to write a new post daily, or nearly daily, which may prove challenging. However, it is worth the attempt - I already have the first two weeks mapped out so let's see how that goes.

Second, while I recognise that feminism is political to the core, that isn't the initial aim of this blog.

Here, I'm more interested in exploring personal questions of ethics and identity than political questions. Politics may eventually play a major part, but there is already enough 'noise' about political issues to drown out simpler and more fundamental questions. Such as who we are as human beings, and what it means to be good to each other.

Finally, for today, if you read anything I post and wish to comment, please do. I will address comments and messages as they come up, possibly incorporating suggestions into future posts.

Thank you for reading. This post merely sets the scene. Tomorrow I intend to explore the early emotional and intellectual feminist stirrings that eventually led me to write these words.